


tell me how you feel about me (do you like or like-like me)

by Ink_stained_quills



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Bodyswap, Daichi has nice arms, M/M, Oikawa Tooru in Denial, but with a twist, lmao that's a tag, more characters to come boy oh boy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-11
Updated: 2020-10-09
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:42:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,955
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26412091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ink_stained_quills/pseuds/Ink_stained_quills
Summary: NOW FINISHED!!  REREAD CHAPTER FIVE FOR COMPLETE ENDING IF YOU ALREADY READ IT FOR MORE CONTENTI came up with this prompt: "Two characters swap bodies, but they're not interested in each other, so they have to break the spell in a way other than confessing or kissing"" In a split second of explosive movement, he takes off for a mirror.  When he looks into it, it’s like a scene straight out of his nightmares.  Kageyama Tobio stares back at him - oh god, Tooru should have taught him how to fix his stupid hair instead of volleyball strategies.He does the only thing he can think to do, because he is rational and knows how to deal with these situations (he can practically hear Iwa-chan telling him it’s because he watches too much sci-fi, how dare he): he calls Tobio-chan from his phone. "
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou & Yachi Hitoka, Hinata Shouyou & Yamaguchi Tadashi, Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru, Kageyama Tobio & Oikawa Tooru
Comments: 90
Kudos: 276





	1. I was dressed for winter (even though it was the middle of June)

**Author's Note:**

> u h
> 
> ,,, hey? I've seen hanahaki tropes like this but not body swaps, SO
> 
> Title is from Like or Like Like

Tooru has a defined list of Points Where Things Went Wrong, but this is probably the weirdest.

He wakes up like normal, except for the fact that nothing is normal - to the sound of his alarm. He lurches up and swats at it, and it goes silent like usual. The first inclination that something is wrong is when he fumbles for his phone to send the first ‘I’ll be there in 20, Iwa-chan, just got to do my hair - can’t look like you after all~’ and realizes it’s half an hour later than he usually wakes up.

Also, that’s not his phone.

When Tooru picks it up, he expects it to ask for a password, but instead it reads his finger and unlocks. He stares at it. “Am I James Bond now?”

‘Recent Contacts’ displays someone named Hinata, another named Yachi, and a third person called Yamaguchi. There are a few group chats, the largest of which being ‘Caw Caw Mothertruckers’. Tooru looks at it for a long moment.

In a split second of explosive movement, he takes off for a mirror. When he looks into it, it’s like a scene straight out of his nightmares. Kageyama Tobio stares back at him - oh god, Tooru should have taught him how to fix his stupid hair instead of volleyball strategies.

He does the only thing he can think to do, because he is rational and knows how to deal with these situations (he can practically hear Iwa-chan telling him it’s because he watches too much sci-fi, how dare he): he calls Tobio-chan from his phone.

“... hello?” his own voice greets him, and Tooru recoils in horror.

“Tobio-chan,” he declares, “I’m flattered and all, but I don’t like you like that.”

“What the hell are you talking about,” his kohai says, deadpan yet horrified.

“Well, that’s the only reason people usually swap bodies!” Tooru explains, waving a hand. “And then they have to kiss to turn back. But I refuse to do that.”

“Good!” Tobio-chan sputters, and Tooru can practically see him grappling with the urge to hang up. His caveman brain works furiously to conjure his next sentence. “There’s no time to meet up today to figure this out.”

“No kidding.”

“No, I mean -” he grumbles. “Oikawa-san, we’re going to have to pretend to be each other.”

“I always thought they should just tell other people,” Tooru mentions offhandedly. Then, when he realizes: “Actually, I changed my mind! Tobio-chan, I absolutely, one hundred percent forbid you to tell my beloved team! They’ll think I’m crazy!”

“Crazier than you are now?” Tobio-chan snipes, and Tooru gasps like the diva he is. “I’m gonna do it.”

“I know you’re bad at math, but do you know how much one hundred percent is?” Tooru moans.

Just to be contrary, Tobio-chan refuses. Tooru mourns the day he stopped acting like a cute little kohai (was he ever? poor little Tobio-chan seems to have missed out on the attractiveness that all other setters inherently have). “Shut up, it’s easier this way!”

“I will tell your team about the incident with the ice cream and the second floor bathroom!” Tooru threatens. “I’ll make out with Kiyoko-san in front of the baldy and the short one!”

“God, fine!” he relents. Tooru basks in his victory for a solid three seconds before realizing he’s going to have to play a convincing Kageyama, and Tobio-chan will undoubtedly ruin his reputation while pretending to be the true Oikawa.

“Oh my god,” he whimpers, “I’m going to have to act like I’m stalkerishly obsessed with Chibi-chan.”

“I don’t do that!” Tobio-chan yells into the receiver.

“It’s no wonder he doesn’t like you if you yell at him like that all the time.” Tooru scolds him. “Oh my god, you do, don’t you? Wait, I have to practice -” He clears his throat. “‘Hinata boke!’ - ouch, that hurts.”

“I swear I’ll tell Yahaba you don’t like him if you don’t shut the hell up.”

“Don’t you touch poor Yahaba-chan! He’s still sweet sometimes, and I won’t have you ruin that for me.”

“Look, Oikawa-san,” Tobio grumbles, “just go to school. My mom should drop you off, go to morning practice and follow Hinata to class after.”

“I bet you’re in the dumb classes,” Tooru chirps, then wails. “Don’t make me fail!”

“We better resolve this before that happens,” Tobio-chan mutters darkly. Maybe it’s just his default setting.

“So you think you’ll fail?”

“You’re two years older!” he retorts defensively.

Tooru pinches the bridge of his nose. He’s an old man. Look what you’ve done, Tobio-chan. “Just… update me whenever someone texts. I’m extremely popular.”

“You have three messages from Iwaizumi-san telling you to ‘get your rear in gear’, a snapchat from some girl, and nothing else.”

“I bet that’s more snapchats from girls than you get!” Tooru jabs back, sticking out his tongue at the phone. He checks the app (he’s a bit shocked that the Karasuno setter has social media at all) and notices snaps from half the team, plus a few from ‘Yachi’. … Tooru decides she doesn’t count, considering she’s a manager.

“Oikawa-san, please go to school.” The younger boy hangs up. Tooru didn’t raise him right. Pretty soon he’ll be telling Hinata to eat more protein. 

“Tobio!” A girl’s voice comes from outside the door, shortly before she barges into his room. It’s Sakura Kageyama, from school, looking very pretty despite the fact that she has relatively no skincare routine. Tooru forcibly reminds himself not to flirt with her, upon pain of death. That would definitely count as wrecking lives. Also, ew.

“Wake the hell up,” Sakura orders, throwing clothes at him. “Don’t just stand there in your pyjamas, I want the room for a minute.”

He’s ushered out of the room, at which point he’s greeted by an infinite number of Kageyamas, all rather different and terrifying - Jesus, how do two parents even have that many kids? Tobio’s mom does, in fact, drive him to school, and the others take the bus to Seijoh (wow, Tobio-chan, what a special snowflake).

Morning practice at Karasuno is the only time Tooru has been glad that Tobio-chan is also a setter.

He has to remind himself to act like what Karasuno expects from him, which he assumes is somewhat sullen and head empty of anything but two volleyball shaped brain cells bouncing off the walls, and nobly refrains from getting into a passive aggressive stare-off with his currently-not-fellow captain. Sawamura has nice arms. Hmm, maybe Tooru should take notes about that.

Currently on his list of ‘Karasuno Observation’ he has: 

Dumbasses  
They fucked up a perfectly good pinch server is what they did. Look at him, he has anxiety

Play too much naruto ops during practice?? Where is the queen b

Future captain has selective superspeed? Looks sleepy but can kill

Manager knows everyone’s secrets we would have been such a good power couple smh

Nice arms,,, dw iwa-chan yours are better ;)

Delinquent child would fight a man for the ace if he thought the ace wouldn’t cry

I’m gonna punch them in the face if they don’t stop playing Africa

Chibi-chan deserves the world actually tobio-chan what are you doing to him I said I’d toss to him extra and he was so happy

As soon as morning practice ends (with minimal confused looks from his teammates and many sneaky looks at Sawamura’s arms - what, he’s a very single bisexual and arms are his weakness. no that does not say anything. get out of his head Hanamaki.)

To: expired milk (technically A+ senpai)  
text iwa-chan ‘can we steal chibi-chan from karasuno’

From: expired milk (technically A+ senpai)  
No

To: expired milk (technically A+ senpai)  
:((((( why

From: expired milk (technically A+ senpai)  
Because he’s my spiker

From: expired milk (technically A+ senpai)  
Also, Bokuto-san has dibs

To: expired milk (technically A+ senpai)  
;9 your spiker hmm~

From: expired milk (technically A+ senpai)  
Did you hear that

To: expired milk (technically A+ senpai)  
no??? what

From: expired milk (technically A+ senpai)  
The last vestiges of my respect for you draining out my toes

To: expired milk (technically A+ senpai)  
i’m gonna go to class and fail all ur assignments i stg

From: expired milk (technically A+ senpai)  
Oikawa-san I will make your body confess to Iwaizumi-san here and now

To: expired milk (technically A+ senpai)  
WHAT

To: expired milk (technically A+ senpai)  
DO NOT

To: expired milk (technically A+ senpai)  
that doesn’t even make senseeeee lmao

From: expired milk (technically A+ senpai)  
You have literally been in love with him since like middle school

To: expired milk (technically A+ senpai)  
haaaa imagine thinking that

From: expired milk (technically A+ senpai)  
Yeah okay sure

To: expired milk (technically A+ senpai)  
why are you never this sassy with other people rip

To: expired milk (technically A+ senpai)  
f in the chat for Oikawa-senpai

From: expired milk (technically A+ senpai)  
You can’t f yourself

To: expired milk (technically A+ senpai)  
I can’t believe you don’t have lenny face set up on your phone

From: expired milk (technically A+ senpai)  
I can’t believe you’re three

To: expired milk (technically A+ senpai)  
going to class now GOOOOO

“Kageyama?” Chibi-chan chirps from behind him. “You alright? Don’t get sick and not be able to toss for me! I mean, I’d be fine - but, you know, don’t.”

Tooru wants to laugh. He settles for smiling at Hinata instead.

The little spiker’s face goes pale. “K-Kageyama! Was that a nice smile? One that wouldn’t kill small children? You really are sick!”

“Shut up, Hinata-boke, your hair looks like it’s out of a box for forty year old white women!” Tooru retorts. This is probably something Tobio-chan would say, right?

“Leave him be, Hinata.” Suga laughs, breezing across the gym. “Maybe he’s been practicing in the mirror.”

“Suga-san, nice kill!” yells Nishinoya.

The baldy walks by, ‘bwah-ha-ha’ing as they exit the gym. “At least I have hair,” Tooru grumps, to which he promptly is pounced on and receives a noogie.

“You sure you’re good for class, sick-yama?” Hinata tsks. “I mean you’re so dumb it might not make a difference.”

Tooru loves this kid. He decides he’s going to give a speech at their wedding, even if he has to crash it. He’ll get Iwa-chan to be his getaway driver if he has to. “Just go, dumbass.”

“You aren’t getting your milk?” Hinata asks, staring up at him in horror. 

Three milk cartons later, Tooru decides acting like Kageyama isn’t as easy as he’d thought.

______

“Seriously, you’ve been acting odd!” Chibi-chan needles at lunch, Yamaguchi and Yachi settled across from them. Tsukishima settles down in a way that manages to suggest he’s sitting next to Yamaguchi, but no one else.

“Well,” Tooru starts, searching his mind for an excuse, “A girl confessed to me.”

Yachi gasps, delicate hands flying to her mouth. She’s like a southern belle. “This morning?”

“Yep.” Warming to his subject, Tooru pokes at his lunch in what he thinks is sufficiently brooding.

“And?” Yamaguchi presses. At Tooru’s other side, Hinata is vibrating.

He shrugs. “I told her I was too busy with volleyball.”

“Of course you did,” Hinata scowls, though it’s not as menacing as it could be considering he’s like half a foot shorter. “You probably turned her down all rude and stuff.”

“Hah?” Tooru exclaims. “Shut up, what do you know.”

Tsukishima rolls his eyes so dramatically that even Tooru is impressed. “How do we know the King didn’t misunderstand something? I mean, his personality is terrible.”

“He’s alright,” Yamaguchi smirks.

“Kageyama sucks, but he looks nice.” Hinata says unthinkingly. Yachi’s eyebrows fly off her head, and she pokes him lightly. “I mean - if you like stupid heads!”

What Tooru thinks: Oh my god. This is the best day of my life. Tobio-chan, holy shit, if we swapped back right now I’d tell you to make out with him.

What Tooru says: “I didn’t really know her, anyway.”

“So if you knew her, you’d go out with her?” Hinata buzzes from his side, ignoring Yamaguchi’s twitching lips.

“I don’t know! Who knows what her personality would be!” Tooru fake-grumbles. Here comes the kicker. Don’t mess this up - and - “...probably not, anyway.”

Hinata flushes all over.

This, Tooru decides, is an excellent first day.


	2. 'cause I liked what I saw (and maybe we should just be friends)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a good third of this was written at two am.
> 
> anyhow did anyone catch the OMG Check Please! reference in chapter one,,, Kageyama had black hair and blue eyes,,, is really good at the sport,,, likes a tiny fast teammate,,, anyways he thinks Hinata should eat more protein
> 
> ever just start a bodyswap au without having a resolution in mind? i fixed it it's okay i have a plan

This, Tobio decides, is a terrible first day.

Oikawa-san seems determined to ruin his life, based on the snaps he keeps getting from his own account. #hangingw/thebestiesandbae seems to be the most common, something that Tobio is seething about, and not even the threat of not styling Oikawa’s body’s hair can stop him.

Maybe he should shave his head.

“Oi, Shittykawa,” Iwaizumi-san snaps above him. “Get off your phone and lead practice.”

“Don’t worry, Iwa-chan~” Tobio hums, feeling a part of his soul die, and hops to his feet. Thank god he spent all that time watching Oikawa in middle school. “I’m always focused on. Practice.”

Okay, so it’s been a while. Iwaizumi-san looks at him funny, which is fine. He’s been the hardest one to fool, considering he’s known Oikawa-san for ages. Wait, does he have to fake the married couple vibes? He totally does, doesn’t he.

“Stop with the innuendos and get going!” Iwaizumi demands, kicking him. Ow, jesus, it’s not just the arms. At least that seems like something Oikawa would do.

“Iwa-chaaaaaaan!” he whines. “You caveman, I’m going…”

Wracking his brains for any hint of what Seijoh would usually do for warm ups, Tobio picks up a volleyball and spins it. “Okay, everyone stretched? Good. Of course - hmm, let’s do some running first!”

The group turns and starts jogging in laps around the gym, and Tobio feels relieved for approximately three seconds before he’s besieged by two third years he’s come to learn are named Hanamaki and Matsukawa.

“Captain, my captain!” Hanamaki starts off theatrically. Tobio can see how he and Oikawa-san are friends.

Matsukawa grins devilishly. “Running first? Ate a few too many milkbreads at lunch today, or do you just want a chance to ogle our beloved vice captain?” Alright, now he can see why he and Iwaizumi-san are friends.

“That’s very uncaptainly,” Tobio sniffs. 

“Never stopped you before,” Hanamaki says breezily. “But seriously, you guys haven’t been talking all that much today. Plus, you woke up late -”

“- and volleyball forbid you don’t look model ready at all times.” Matsukawa finishes with the wiseness of a sage, nodding and stroking his nonexistent beard.

‘Volleyball forbid’ Tobio thinks, then makes a high pitched noise no eighteen year old boy’s throat should be able to make. “C’mon, Matsukawa, I’m not that bad.”

“Matsukawa?” Hanamaki repeats, aghast. “No nickname? He’s free of Mattsun but I’m stuck with Makki?”

“Got you~” Tobio sings through the panic. They give him suspicious looks, Matsukawa opening his mouth to say something else -

The coach sighs audibly from the sidelines, rising from the bench and clapping his hands. “Alright, boys, are you gossiping or jogging?” Tobio sets off before the other two can catch up, shrugging out from under their arms, and makes sure to jog at a pace that means he’s not close to anyone else.

He lets out a long breath, tipping his head to the sky. Oikawa-san’s fast, he notes absently, mindful of his knee - Tobio’s not that cruel. He’s just settling down when he hears someone come up behind him. Mentally, he groans.

“Does no one on this team respect me,” he whines.

There’s an amused rumble of a laugh from behind him, giving him a second of warning before Iwaizumi-san jogs up to keep pace with him. “Maybe Yahaba, but I’m sure he’ll realize his mistake soon enough.”

This whole bodyswap thing isn’t all bad, he supposes. At least now he’ll be able to bring up all the embarrassing things that Oikawa-san’s friends like referencing every twenty minutes. “Ha.”

“... you alright?” Iwaizumi mutters after a moment, staring straight ahead. The silence stretches like taffy. “You’ve been acting funny.”

“Well, we all know I’m hilarious,” Tobio replies flippantly.

“Seriously,” the spiker grumbles. “Your knee alright?”

Iwaizumi-san, you will never know how much you saved me, Tobio thinks joyfully. “Just kinda sore.”

“I know you won’t listen, but could you for once in your life sit on the bench for a minute?” Iwaizumi says, exasperated.

“Okay,” Tobio acquiesces, ducking off to take a seat. Take that, Oikawa-san.

“Wait, really?” Iwaizumi-san blinks. “Uh. Okay?”

“Only for you, Iwa-chan!”

And Iwaizumi goes - not pink, exactly, his complexion is wrong for that, but his face does something it wouldn’t normally, and Tobio almost starts wheezing. How much trouble would he get in if he started texting Oikawa in the middle of warmups? It feels worth it at the moment.

Hinata’s face would be way redder.

“Yahaba~” he coos, beckoning the second year over. “Help Iwaiz- Iwa-chan lead practice, hmm?”

Yahaba nods in return, not seeming to notice the slip up, and Tobio settles in to watch practice for a while. Seijoh’s a strong team - well rounded, but you can tell Oikawa’s the center, despite the fact that they’re all great in their own right. Adaptable, personable, traits that Tobio’s never had.

In the end, Tobio can’t stay - can’t watch the team he might have had, might have continued growing up with, like an apple thrown from the tree rather than falling. He begs off on the grounds that he’s sick. Maybe part of him is.

To: alien-senpai (usually volleyboi)  
When we switch back I will pay you money to make out w/ Iwaizumi-san

From: alien-senpai (usually volleyboi)  
u n I both know I’d PAY money to make out w/ iwa-chan

To: alien-senpai (usually volleyboi)  
OH REALLY

From: alien-senpai (usually volleyboi)  
GET OUT DAMN

To: alien-senpai (usually volleyboi)  
Why are you on your phone at practice?

From: alien-senpai (usually volleyboi)  
why are you on my phone at practice hmm

To: alien-senpai (usually volleyboi)  
I said my knee was whack like you should do sometimes

From: alien-senpai (usually volleyboi)  
you said what

To: alien-senpai (usually volleyboi)  
Look it’s not bad but it was feeling kind of funny so I figured better to rest it

From: alien-senpai (usually volleyboi)  
that’s legit the most suspicious thing you could have done

From: alien-senpai (usually volleyboi)  
jesus tobio-chan

To: alien-senpai (usually volleyboi)  
It explained if I’ve been acting differently than you would

From: alien-senpai (usually volleyboi)  
ugh this is kind of an important thing

From: alien-senpai (usually volleyboi)  
don’t fuck up my knee

To: alien-senpai (usually volleyboi)  
I’m not a monster Oikawa-san

From: alien-senpai (usually volleyboi)  
yeah okay whatever

To: alien-senpai (usually volleyboi)  
Seriously

From: alien-senpai (usually volleyboi)  
okay

From: alien-senpai (usually volleyboi)  
guess I won’t get you knocked out during practice lol

To: alien-senpai (usually volleyboi)  
PLEASE DO NOT, NO

From: alien-senpai (usually volleyboi)  
bet chibi-chan would be concerned~

To: alien-senpai (usually volleyboi)  
Bet Iwaizumi-san would be concerned if your uniform was to mysteriously turn pink

From: alien-senpai (usually volleyboi)  
NOT MY WHITE STRIPES

Jesus, Tobio thinks, he wouldn’t sabotage Oikawa’s knee just to get ahead. Is that really what he thinks? … could he think that because that’s what Oikawa himself would do?

“Alright, what’s going on?” Hanamaki demands, dropping into the seat next to him with a thud.

“I’m almost seventy percent certain that this isn’t your classroom,” Tobio retorts.

Matsukawa, in turn, sprawls across the desk Hanamaki is currently occupying. Iwaizumi hovers nearby, apologizing to the girl currently missing a seat. “Seriously, the lack of ‘Mattsun’s is getting scary.”

“It’s just my knee!” protests Tobio, waving a hand airily to one side.

“If you sat out because of your knee, you’re either dying or seriously injured.” Iwaizumi-san is unflinching in his concern. “Oikawa, have you been practicing extra again?”

“... at least text us if you’re going to do that sort of thing,” Matsukawa says softly.

“I haven’t!” Tobio splutters - truthfully, because even if Oikawa has, he hasn’t. “I just thought I’d take it easy for one practice. Did you guys really miss me that much~?”

Hanamaki snorts. “If he’s doing that saccharine voice of his, he’ll live.”

“We won’t if we don’t get to class in time, though.” Matsukawa agrees, tossing a milkbread at him.

“Iwa-chan,” Tobio ventures, once they’re gone. “What would you do if I was, say, involved in a body swapping movie?”

“Hypothetically? You’ve been watching too much sci-fi.”

“Just answer?”

“I’d tell you to go make out with whoever would turn you back,” Iwaizumi scowls. “Hypothetically. Ugh, I hate that I know the answer to that!”

“What if that wasn’t an option?” Tobio whispers, casting furtive glances at their classmates.

Iwaizumi-san stares at him. “You’d work through it. You’re good at that. Just - if this is some extended metaphor, I -”

“Nah,” Tobio says absently. He idly wishes Oikawa was here, in his proper body, to hear everything. “You’re right. In my hypothetical situation, of course.”

“Of course,” Iwaizumi repeats suspiciously.

Okay, so if ‘making out with whoever would turn them back’ wasn’t an option (wow, had that felt like a loaded reply if he’d ever heard one), maybe there was something else? Tobio was fairly certain he hadn’t gone to bed the past night thinking ‘you know what would sound great? if I switched bodies with my ex-senpai that hates me. delightful’. Maybe the internet would provide some answers, but he’d have to wait until he got home for that.

Tobio is a self proclaimed sucker for romance movies, a secret that would stay within his family until the grave if he’s lucky. Naturally, a cure all was confessing the obviously returned feelings, or apologizing for the major mistake that the protagonist had made, or getting in mortal danger.

He’d rather take the third option.

‘Obviously returned feelings’ only applied when, you know, the protagonist’s feelings were actually returned - and that was far easier to judge from the outside. Still, if he has to deal with Yachi calling him a simp one more time he’ll probably destroy his phone, a poor source of retaliation considering he needs it.

So far today he’s turned down a confession from a girl he’s fairly certain Oikawa didn’t know, gotten smacked in the head with three volleyballs, had to break up a fight between two second years - one of whom was going to be captain next year, come on, Yahaba, Tobio’s way better at starting fights than breaking them up - and taken terrible notes in all his classes.

Tobio wants nothing more than to sleep, but he walks home with Iwaizumi-san and pretends he stayed up watching sci-fi movies (“Because of course why else would I have asked that question? Oh, look, my house, bye Iwa-chan!”). Then he sends pictures of the homework to Oikawa so that he can complete them, because Oikawa shouldn’t have to fail at everything while they’re stuck like this.

Oikawa seems to be having the time of his life, apart from the sad messages he sends about Tobio’s general appearance. Currently, Yachi appears to be braiding his hair. Sending a quick reminder message to research their condition when he gets home, Tobio boots up his computer and searches “body swap how to fix”.

The first thing that comes up is an article about common mistakes while using this trope - the first of which being that the voices change, too. Tobio shudders at the thought. Not only would that make impersonating each other harder, hearing Oikawa’s voice come out of his mouth would probably make him throw up.

“Rust repair or body swap,” Tobio mumbles as he scans the list of links. “These are less helpful than love advice from Tanaka.” Mental Tanaka gives him a noogie for that one.

It just looks like confessing is the only way, a horrible thought considering they’re in the wrong bodies. Maybe they can write letters? Or move countries. Tobio can go to America, live on a farm with Ushijima.

“Ugh,” he groans out loud, staring at his computer screen. “I don’t know how to farm.”

“But you’re already a hoe!” Mental Oikawa yells at him, then breaks into maniacal laughter.

Tobio snorts. “Says you. That was terrible.”

“You don’t understand humor, Tobio-chan,” Mental Oikawa tells him with a sniff, then whirls around and disappears. Stupid chibi versions of his upperclassmen. Maybe he’s going insane. Maybe that explains this whole thing, and he’s stuck in a coma somewhere from too many volleyballs to the head due to Hinata’s stupidity.

He wonders if Hinata would believe him if he explained what happened.

Tobio rubs his eyes, walks over to Oikawa’s bed, and eyes it like it’s a sleeping tiger. He’s been in it this morning, of course, but that wasn’t willingly. But then again, he’s really tired…

“Just do it!” Mental Hinata chirps at him. “I know your ego is as big as a truck, but don’t let it get in the way.”

“You aren’t real,” Tobio tells Mental Hinata, drops into bed, and screams into a pillow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> debated putting 'kageyama's a simp' as the summary
> 
> also did you know i never edit anything i post on here before it goes up? no reread, nothing
> 
> please shoot me
> 
> miraculous ladybug is getting proper plot i am so proud but i want more content about my gay children, the art boys and the goth girl/angel gals


	3. and I felt so bad (couldn't cope to what I did)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY. You guys have no idea how much I suffered attempting to submit this ONE math assessment. Seriously, I was going to drop out of school and live with the rats

“Got any ideas?” Tooru needles, debating if he can get away with painting his nails. Karasuno would probably die of shock.

Tobio-chan just huffs a little on the other side of the phone, as if he’s sick of Tooru’s bullshit. “Honestly, confessing to our respective crushes just seems like the best option.”

“Or,” Tooru argues, “we could not do that, considering we’re stuck in the wrong bodies.”

“We don’t have school or practice tomorrow.” Tobio points out reasonably. Damn him and his rational thinking. “It would be the perfect time to… send them letters or something.”

Tooru pulls a face. “I’d rather make out with Ushiwaka.”

“I’ll tell him you said that.”

‘I’ll tell him you said that, blah blah volleyball blah meat buns’ he mouths, eyeing teal nail polish in a catalogue. “I don’t want to do that.”

“Do you want to be stuck as me forever?” Tobio-chan threatens.

Tooru gasps, offended. “Let’s get one thing straight around here, Tobio-chan. I may be in your body, but I will never be you.”

“There are so many things wrong with that sentence,” Tobio-chan informs him, and Tooru has to valiantly resist throwing up.

“Who corrupted you,” he whines, because making fun of Tobio-chan is one of the few joys he gets out of this bleak world.

Tobio-chan practically cackles, which is horrifying in itself, and says “You left me with Matsukawa and Hanamaki. Only the strong survive, and I had to evolve.”

“I can’t give you back like this,” Tooru declares. “Purge your memory, right now.”

“Oikawa-senpai, you’re avoiding the issue.”

Sighing, Tooru rubs at his eyes. “I don’t want to fuck things up. You wouldn’t get it, genius-chan.”

“Just because I’m good at volleyball doesn’t mean I’m good at people, Oikawa-san.” Tobio says quietly. “That’s - it was something else I respected about you.”

“At least you have Chibi-chan, who falls over himself when you offer him attention because you suck at showing affection.”

“I know I do!” Tobio-chan snaps, then stops. “He does not.”

“He totally do-oes,” Tooru sings smugly.

“I’ll write him a letter if you do,” Tobio-chan says slyly. “And then you can mail it to his house, and… ugh. I guess I’ll have to go to my house.”

“It’s not my fault I live right next to Iwa-chan,” Tooru sniffs, then hesitates. Making sure neither of them interact with their crushes (he hates that word - it’s not an accurate representation of Iwa-chan at all) is surprisingly thoughtful of his kohai.

He sighs. “Fine, you win. You’ll bring my body down here, and pretend you’re me in front of all your family members, the people who know you best in the world, and we’ll change back.”

“Stop making my nice gestures implausible,” Tobio-chan complains, a fair thing considering he needs all the nice gestures he can get.

“Go write a letter,” Tooru tells him, and hangs up.

Of course, this puts him in the position of actually having to write a letter. He can’t remember the last time he wrote any letter, let alone to Iwa-chan. Hopefully it’ll be charmingly old fashioned. Maybe he can quote Hamilton and no one will notice.

Dear Iwa-chan, he starts, wincing.

With any luck, this won’t be the letter sent to you. You’ll be baffled to discover that the person you’ve been interacting with this past week is, in fact, not me! Surprise! Of course, this reveal is banking on the fact that Tobio-chan is a good enough actor to fool you, but I doubt it.

‘I’ve’ been ‘acting off’ because in true sci-fi fashion, we have swapped bodies. But it’s not what you think! Clearly I am not in love with Tobio-chan, and he’s not in love with me - side note, he and that Chibi-chan from Karasuno would be so cute together! Apparently I ‘can’t steal Hinata’ because that’s ‘kidnapping’ and also ‘Bokuto-san has dibs’. I don’t know who that is, but I’ll fight him for custody.

Is the stalling working? I suppose there’s only so much you can stall in a letter. The reason I’m writing is because I don’t really want to be stuck in Tobio-chan’s body any longer (his family is insane! he has even more siblings than are currently at school!), but that’s not entirely it.

I suppose I’m tired of looking through the window at the stars and wishing I could redo things. I’ve wished I could win against Ushiwaka, or that my knee wasn’t an anchor weighing me down, or even that I could fix things with stupid Tobio-chan, in a moment of weakness.

I don’t want to wish that I could redo whatever’s happening right now.

In true Oikawa fashion, I’m doing it in a dramatic way! By accident. But whatever. So, here it is: I probably love you. Wow, I hate writing that out? Emotions, am I right?

Here’s hoping I’ll be in my own body when you read this,

Tooru

“Wow,” Tooru says out loud. “Nope.”

Hi Iwa-chan!

“Eh.”

Iwa-chan. Guess what shit went do

“I have newfound respect for writers,” Tooru decides, scrapping yet another draft. When he finally completes one he doesn’t want to burn, he sends it off in the mail. Tobio-chan had better complete his soon.

To: expired milk (technically A+ senpai)  
did it yet???

From: expired milk (technically A+ senpai)  
Unfortunately, yes

To: expired milk (technically A+ senpai)  
awwwww did lil tobio-chan have to use a dictionary

From: expired milk (technically A+ senpai)  
Fight me Oikawa-san

To: expired milk (technically A+ senpai)  
don’t wanna break ur noodle arms

From: expired milk (technically A+ senpai)  
If I text any of my older siblings to punch me they won’t hesitate

From: expired milk (technically A+ senpai)  
Do you want that while you’re in my body

To: expired milk (technically A+ senpai)  
ugh just get down here already

When Tobio-chan arrives in Tooru’s body, they share a simultaneous moment of discomfort and horror before Sakura arrives at the door. “Oikawa-senpai.”

“Kageyama-chan,” Tobio-chan chirps, somehow still respectful. This must be intensely weird for him. Hell, it’s intensely weird for Tooru just watching!

“... he’s staying here for the weekend.” Tooru offers as they walk inside. “Volleyball tips, and whatnot.”

Sakura gives Tobio-chan a look that somehow conveys the fact that he might be in her house, and her brother might be on better terms with him now, but he’s not forgiven. Tooru feels the weight of her judgement on his chest. Coming close to slapping his underclassman is definitely on his Points Where Things Went Wrong list.

They make their way to the twins’ room, at which point Sakura is derailed with yet another of the Kageyama brood. Tobio-chan looks at the little girl as if he’s dying to hug her, but forces himself onto his bed. “What now?”

“Now…” Tooru shrugs. “Now, we play volleyball, I guess.”

“What?” Tobio-chan rolls to face him, skepticism written over his features.

“You told your sister the great Oikawa-san was giving you tips, right?” Tooru says nonchalantly. “So we should play.”

Tobio-chan considers the olive branch, and Tooru wonders if he recognizes it as such. “Okay,” he says finally, and pulls a volleyball out from under his bed.

Tooru takes it as a victory.

_____

“So, Oikawa-san,” Sakura starts skeptically, “What brings you here now?”

“He’s here for vol-” Tooru starts in a last-ditch attempt to save his image in front of his kohai.

Sakura holds up a hand in front of his face, eyes never leaving Tobio-chan. “I know you two have had your difficulties in the past, to put it simply. Don’t tell me you had a near death experience and decided to fix all your wrongdoings?”

“With graduation around the corner, and all the self reflecting, I realized that I’d treated Tobio-chan less than perfectly,” Tobio-chan declares, surely deliberating on how much he can milk this. “Also, Iwa-chan bullied me into actually acting on that realization.”

Sakura relaxes, though the suspicious glint in her eyes doesn’t go away. Clearly she believes at least the second part of his explanation. Hurtful. “So you decided coming down here was the logical first step.”

“Tobio-chan and I have… reconnected… through our love of sci-fi movies!” Tobio-chan flounders, waving at hand at the sky. “Through… a wacky series of events that can only be explained in montage form.”

“... is this about the aliens -”

“It is always about the aliens!” Tooru and Tobio-chan announce at the same time, then look at each other. Maybe Tobio-chan is a better actor than he thought.

His twin just looks at the pair, then turns and goes back to her soccer ball. “Have fun.”

Once she leaves, they let out a combined sigh of relief. “She’s been the hardest to fool,” Tooru admits.

“We’re twins,” Tobio offers as an explanation, spinning the volleyball on one finger. He flashes a peace sign at Tooru, who shudders. “Are we playing volleyball or what, Tobio-chan~”

“Whatever, Oikawa-senpai,” Tooru grumbles back, and they both burst into laughter.

__________

Tobio-chan’s family are talkers.

The question of how they have a son like Tobio-chan is answered like this - he’s more comfortable talking around them than he is anyone else, though he has to pretend he’s not their brother through the conversation. With all the different personality types, it’s a marvel he can’t adapt like Tooru can.

Sakura seems to do most of the talking for both of them (something Tooru’s struggling with), and there’s about three conversations going on at any given time. You’re expected to join into any and all of them, which might be how Tobio-chan has his incredible court vision, and there are subtle directions of the conversation that makes Tooru wonder if the adult Kageyamas are superspies.

Whenever the conversation turns to their parents, personal information isn’t offered, but the older Kageyama siblings are quick to turn the topic back onto the younger ones or the food. Tooru supposes another alternative is that Tobio-chan’s parents are top secret government scientists that test out their creations on their son - bam, body swap.

This turns out to not be the case.

“They work a lot, to support a family this large,” Tobio-chan explains quietly after dinner. “The younger kids miss them, so we try not to mention it.”

Tooru turns to look into the kitchen, where Aia and Fumihiro are washing dishes. They flick water at each other and laugh too loud, cursing under their breath. When he looks into the living room, he sees Akari and Hina coloring together while Akio babbles in baby language.

Sakura catches him looking and offers him the kind of smile he’d never get as himself - a quick twitch of her lips as if to say “remember when the other two were still living at home?”. Despite never living in the Kageyama household at that time, Tooru shudders.

“Tobio-chan,” Tooru says, “Why are you so…”

“Bad with people, when I have this many siblings?” Tobio-chan smiles, sharp and slim and wry. “They’re kind of the issue. When you have so many people in your house to talk to, you never need to interact with someone else, right? And when you do, there’s always one of them nearby to do it for you.”

“What happened?” Tooru asks. “They never told me why you went to Karasuno. I just figured you thought you were better than Seijoh, and got stuck.”

“I pushed them too far,” Tobio-chan whispers steadily. He looks at his little sisters, tossing crayons at each other as Sakura laughs demonically. “I lost their trust, and - in return, they broke mine.”

“Why Karasuno, though? Away from your insane, horrifyingly large family?”

Tobio-chan shrugs. “They asked.”

“Stop trying to be poetic, Tobio-chan,” Tooru tells him, scowling. “Let’s go throw a ball into the air and run around.”

____________

Tooru sleeps on the floor (“Why aren’t you using your bed, Tobio?” Sakura frowns at them. “Oikawa-san’s older,” Tooru explains, though the real reason is that it’d be far too strange to sleep in Tobio-chan’s bed while said boy is on the ground). The next morning, Tobio-chan’s phone is filled with roughly thirty thousand messages from various teammates. Tooru’s, on the other hand, has one.

From: the godzilla to my mothman  
Call me.

Tooru yanks Tobio-chan out of bed despite his protests, drags him down the hall, and throws himself onto the front steps, which are thankfully lacking in people. “We haven’t swapped back.”

“What?” Tobio-chan mumbles sleepily. He looks down at himself, and his face looks far too destroyed for someone stuck in a body that attractive. “Oh, no.”

“Ouch,” Tooru scoffs, throwing his hands into the air. “What do we do now?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's going to be like? One or two more chapters so stay tuned


	4. so I laughed myself sick all the way to my car

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is shorter than normal? You can probably tell...? But I needed to get it up cause it's been too many days and yeah. 
> 
> Anyways I've been a little busy with school and sad lately. Uh,,, I fell for one of my best friends a while ago and that was hitting me? Yea, the one I set up with a different friend I'm so smart~ And I won't tell her cause that'll make her sad n shit so
> 
> Why am I venting here lmao go read the fic! Bless you guys you're so patient lmao

“There isn’t any precedent to this stupid situation!” Tobio yells, kicking a rock as they walk down the street. 

“Don’t ruin my reputation, Tobio-chan. At least with your face I can scowl without even trying.” Oikawa complains. “I don’t even want to comment on you using big words!”

Ignoring the fact that Oikawa-san literally just did, Tobio takes a deep breath. “Maybe we’re looking at this wrong.”

“How,” Oikawa demands, tipping his head back. “There’s no way you’re going back to my house like this.”

“Well, typically this affects people because they haven’t confessed, but that’s not us.” Tobio furrows his brow. “Body swaps are for unresolved tension. And - I have a lot of regrets when it comes to middle school.”

Oikawa stops dead in his tracks.

“Oikawa-san?”

“... I’m graduating soon,” Oikawa mumbles, pressing the palms of his hands into his eyes. “And… I may have been looking back on things. For a second, I - wanted to fix things. Wished for it.”

“And I was probably doing the same,” Tobio admits.

“So, what?” Oikawa-san snaps, flexing his fingers, and eyes a nearby rock as if he’d like to take a page out of Tobio’s book. “We fix our broken relationship? How long does that take?”

“I don’t know,” Tobio exhales. “I think we do what we’ve been doing, for a while, and… I don’t know, okay, you’re supposed to have everything figured out!”

“I never have anything figured out!” Oikawa yells, storming off.

“Oikawa-san!” Tobio yells after him, forgetting that they’re in public, and lets his shoulders slump. “You don’t know the area!” Even as he says it, he knows Oikawa’s pride won’t allow him to turn around. Tobio supposes they’re both trapped in cages of their own making.

He goes to the library and stares unseeingly at book spines while he tries to envision a life trapped in Oikawa’s body - and he can’t. He can’t live like someone else, not even Oikawa, and suddenly he misses Hinata so much he aches.

A small voice cuts above the low hum of the library, a familiar little girl darting to and fro between the shelves. “This one!”

“Natsu,” Hinata’s voice echoes exasperatedly, almost as loud as his sister’s. “This is a library. More importantly, I’ve read that book to you a million times.”

The spiker plucks the book from Natsu’s hands and puts it back in its slot, only for her to tug it back out and brandish it at the librarian. Hinata waves his library card at her, sticking his tongue out, then looks up and sees him watching.

“Grand King!” he yelps, pointing with his whole body in that idiotic way he does.

Tobio blinks, remembers who he looks like right now, and nobly refrains from calling Hinata a dumbass. “Yahoo, Chibi-chan!”

“Why are you here?” Hinata demands, but the effect is ruined by Natsu climbing all over him in an attempt to grab his library card.

“Visiting Tobio-chan,” Tobio says nonchalantly, watching Hinata for his reaction.

Hinata, to his shock, turns bright pink. He’s forgotten the exact shade over the few days he’s been gone, but now Tobio can see how his freckles stand out in stark contrast. Natsu blinks up at her brother as he bites his lip, confused, and wrinkles her nose.

“He’s been weird since yesterday,” Natsu confides in him. “All sigh-y. And when I asked when Tobio was coming over again, he fumbled his volleyball to the ground.”

“Natsu!” Hinata howls, shoving the library card at her. “Take out the book, okay? Go.”

Natsu grins a devious kind of grin. Tobio loves that kid. 

Hinata presses his palms to his cheeks and eyes Tobio suspiciously. “You don’t know anything about - about what he said, do you?”

“I don’t bug Tobio-chan about every little thing he does,” Tobio scoffs, sweating.

“He hasn’t answered any of my messages,” Hinata continues, deflating a bit, and his gaze shifts. Somehow, Tobio knows that his mind has gone far away. “He’s been acting odd… I guess this was why.”

“Want me to tell him anything from you?” Tobio asks calmly. Okay, not calmly, he’s sweating like a stuck pig, and isn’t that an odd expression, right?

Hinata bites his lip again. His lips are always chapped, skin ripping slightly from worrying at it. “Tell him to answer our messages. We’re going to the amusement park - the team is! And he better be there.” Tobio refuses to let Oikawa go to Karasuno team bonding. 

“His friends are worried.” Hinata says simply, as if he won’t let himself be embarrassed anymore. “I miss him. ‘S not the same with him acting so weird.”

“Sorry.”

Hinata looks up, clearly having forgotten who he thought he was talking to. “Ah! It’s all Kageyama’s fault, not yours!”

“Sorry for him, then.” Tobio tells him sincerely. Hinata eyes him for another moment.

“All checked out!” Natsu chirps, rushing back over to her brother. “We gotta go get groceries, remember?”

“Bye, Grand King!” Hinata yells. Librarians shush him left and right, the siblings offering apologetic smiles flush with youth as they race out of the library. Small smiles and some shaking of heads follows their departure - they’re clearly here often. It’s almost shocking that they haven’t been kicked out yet.

To: alien-senpai (usually volleyboi)  
You’re not allowed to go to my team bonding

From: alien-senpai (usually volleyboi)  
where are you

Tobio knows better than to ask if Oikawa-san is lost at a time like this, when seeing Hinata made him feel brittle like glass and any little comment could set him off.

To: alien-senpai (usually volleyboi)  
Library

“Sorry,” is the first thing out of Oikawa’s mouth when they reunite.

Blinking, Tobio stares at him. “Who are you and what have you done with Oikawa-san?”

“I saw Chibi-chan run out of here, but he didn’t see me, so it’s fine,” he continues, slouching sullenly against a bookcase. “I’m just sick of having nothing figured out.”

“Me too,” Tobio admits. There’s a numb kind of tension to the air, like there always is when an argument is finished but not forgotten.

Oikawa fidgets with Tobio’s phone. “It’s weird to not need my glasses.”

“Your vision is terrible,” Tobio agrees with force, and they both laugh enough to diffuse the uncertainty in the air. “We’ll figure something out.”

“Yeah,” Oikawa smiles slightly (how can he do that with Tobio’s face? he’d call him senpai if it got Oikawa to teach him), naturally, and pushes himself up from his slouch.

“You know,” Tobio says as they make their way back to his house, “This was a terrible experience.”

“I wholeheartedly agree.”

“But,” he continues, “it was also… enlightening.”

“I dare you to name one enlightenment speaker,” Oikawa demands. “I dare you.”

Sweating, Tobio debates how fast he can look up enlightenment speakers on Oikawa’s phone. Oikawa-san eyes him like he can tell. “... Gandhi?”

“I hate you,” Oikawa-san says, with feeling.

“School isn’t my strong suit!” Tobio complains, jogging away. “I don’t need to know this to become a professional volleyball player! It’s -”

And then his - Oikawa’s - Tobio’s - knee gives out.

“Fuck,” he says, goes down like a sack of bricks, and digs his fingernails into his palms.

Oikawa stands stock still for a moment, watching as if it’s a car wreck in motion with a loved one inside, then runs to his side. “Don’t touch the knee,” he orders. “Here - it’s dislocated.”

“Do we go to the hospital?” Tobio grits out through clenched teeth, hands in fists.

“I’ll put it back,” Oikawa tells him. “Just - count to five.”

“You’ll put it back?” Tobio demands, wide eyed. “Do you usually put your knee back into place?”

“Iwa-chan learned,” the older setter mumbles in a soothing tone, placing his hands on either side of the knee. “I did, too, but it’s usually - usually him. He taught me how.”

Tobio can’t think of something else to say, so Oikawa starts counting. “One. Two. Tobio-chan, I know you can count to five.”

“Three,” Tobio repeats obediently. “Fou- ow! Fuck! That - feels much better, actually.”

“Works better when you’re not expecting it,” Oikawa-san exhales, stands up, and offers Tobio a hand.

He takes it.

“... shouldn’t we have gone to the hospital?”

Oikawa shakes his head. “Too much to explain. My parents would have to be notified, which means the school would, and Iwa-chan’s parents, and - well.”

“Iwaizumi-san would find out,” Tobio finishes grimly. “Let’s take the bus back.”

“So we have to understand each other better to switch back, right?” Oikawa whispers under his breath once they’ve caught a bus (“This one, Tobio-chan!” “Oikawa-san, that one won’t go anywhere near my street.” “Who’s the senpai here?” “That has nothing to do with it.”). “Let’s play twenty questions.”

“Is this a sleepover?” Tobio scowls.

Oikawa-san mimics the scowl. “Do you have a better idea?”

“... what’s your favorite food.”

“Milkbread, do you think we should overthrow the government.”

“Holy shit, that went from zero to one hundred fast!” Tobio hisses, raising an eyebrow. “Are you an anarchist?”

“I’m asking if you are, Tobio-chan.” Oikawa replies innocently. “But we can skip that one, if you want to be suspicious. Are you an arms guy or a leg guy?”

Tobio’s face is heating up faster than a microwave potato (not that that’s anything huge). “I’m a volleyball guy.”

“Me too, but you know. Arms.” Oikawa sighs, and Tobio wishes he were literally anywhere else. Like in the center of the earth, preferably.

“Fine, I guess I'll go next.” He looks out the window. “Uh… what’s your favorite memory?”

“When I first met Iwa-chan, he was the same height as me. Of course, he was also still all caveman-y, but in a younger way! He gave me a bug. I hate bugs.” Oikawa says fondly.

Tobio nods along. “And this is your favorite memory why?”

“Oh, this isn’t my favorite memory. It’s just a backstory.” Oikawa continues, and Tobio settles into his seat for a long ride. “Anyway, one day in middle school I grew taller than him…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments are an important part of my food chain, without them the story dies shortly after my motivation


	5. (you do)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GUYS. As you can see, this is a new update! I took time off, wrote some other things, and actually came back to finish (ignore the fact that it's a bit short...?)
> 
> If you're someone who was here at the start and put up with my bs, thanks - this is for you!!

“What time is it?” Tooru snarls, very unbeautifically (he blames being in Tobio-chan’s body - a terrible place to reside) when he is woken at some volleyball forsaken hour by ringing.

Sakura lunges out of bed and grabs the offending object. “Tobio, if you don’t answer this right now I will smash it on the ground.”

Tobio-chan continues to lie on the ground like a dead fish. Tooru eyes him for a long moment, anticipating a vicious smackdown from his twin, but then remembers the only one Sakura will be beating up is him. What a world he lives in.

“Hello?” Tooru mumbles into the phone. His face smushes onto it.

“Kageyama?” Hinata’s voice rings out through the room. Tooru realizes two things: one, that he’s picked up Hinata’s call after Tobio-chan confessed to him. Two, he’s put Hinata on speakerphone, something that both Kageyama siblings look ready to murder him for.

Tooru panics. “He’s - he’s dead! Very tragic. Uh - he’ll talk to you later!”

“... what?” asks a very confused Chibi-chan.

Tooru hangs up the phone.

“What the hell was that,” Sakura deadpans.

“Admittedly, that was not my finest moment.” he replies, groaning, and Tobio gets up and leaves the room.

Tooru rues the day he met any of the Kageyama brood, then runs after him. “Tobiooo-” Hina looks at him curiously. ”-oooikawa-san!”

“Tobioikawa,” the little girl mumbles behind him. “... You know what, it’s five am and ni-chan is tired. This is fine.”

“I can’t believe you told Hinata I was dead!” Tobio-chan moans, kicking at a stray soccer ball.

Tooru throws his hands up. “I can’t believe it either!”

They watch each other for a long moment. Then, Tobio starts hiccuping. “You, told, him -”

He doubles over, wheezing, and Tooru feels laughter bubbling up in his chest. “Like you were - Taylor Swift - or something!” Laughing until they can’t breathe, the two boys take deep gulps of air. “Evidently I’m not all that good under pressure.”

“Hinata can literally just come to my house,” Tobio-chan realizes. “He could have showed up at my house yesterday, I’m shocked he hasn’t shown up to throw rocks at me.”

“Chibi-chan wouldn’t throw rocks at you,” Tooru scoffs. “For one thing, he doesn’t have the arm muscles for it.”

“Oi.”

“Iwa-chan would throw things at me, though.” he sighs.

Tobio-chan considers this. Tooru can practically see the war scenes flashing behind his deadened eyes, Iwa-chan hurling volleyballs at a completely innocent Oikawa-san. “Only if you deserved it.”

“I never deserve anything wrong happening to me ever,” Tooru insists, tossing his hair. “I have done nothing wrong in my life.”

“Iwaizumi-san knows this, and he loves you.” Tobio-chan replies with a straight face.

Tooru squeals loudly, slaps a hand over his mouth in embarrassment, then scowls at him to cover his grin. “Did you just meme me? Tobio-chan, I swear, Seijoh changed you. Swag changed you.”

“A sentence I thought I’d never receive.” Tobio-chan says, mock-shaken.

They sit in silence for a minute, but it’s not uncomfortable. Tooru doesn’t feel like Tobio-chan is watching his every move, categorizing his weaknesses, waiting for him to mess up. In fact, Tooru’s not sure he ever was.

“Oikawa-san,” Tobio-chan starts, uncertain, “when this is over - could we be friends?”

Tooru hesitates a moment to make him sweat (what, he’s not perfect). “I daresay we already are.”

“I was holding my breath until you answered!” Tobio complains, leaning against the outside wall of his house. “Ugh, now I’m lightheaded.”

“Me too,” Tooru admits, wrinkling his nose. “Was it that big of a deal? Wow, maybe I’ll pass out from the sheer release of spite.”

He puts a hand to his forehead, glad he’s already sitting down, and blinks once, hard. When he opens his eyes, the light’s shifted. He’s lying on the ground (did he pass out?) near the step, temples throbbing. When Tooru looks to the side, he can Tobio-chan stirring on the stairs, tiny muffled groans escaping his lips.

He can see. Tobio-chan. On the step.

“Tobio-chan!” he yells. “You’re you!”

Tobio-chan stares at him like he’s clinically insane, but Tooru just holds out his arms admiringly. “And I’m me! I mean, who else would I be, wouldn’t it be crazy if I was somebody else again?”

“You body swap with everyone you’ve had a disagreement with?” Tobio-chan suggests. “Maybe you’ll wake up in Ushijima’s body next.”

“God, I hope not.” Tooru screws up his face at the thought. “Besides the horror of being anywhere near Ushiwaka, let alone in his body, Tendou is really kinky.”

Tobio-chan flushes and covers his ears, because he’s an elementary schooler. “Oikawa-san, please no.”

“You can go to your bonding thing!” Tooru exclaims abruptly, whisking his kohai off the ground and shoving his phone into his hands. “And I - can move to Mexico and avoid Iwa-chan forever.”

“Alternative: you could call him.” Tobio-chan suggests. It’s a terrible idea. Tooru might just do it.

Or maybe not. “But you don’t know all the facts.”

“Which are?”

“I don’t want to.”

“Oikawa-san,” Tobio-chan says, exasperated. “Please go call your oldest and best friend, while I go to a team bonding session with many nosy upperclassmen.”

“Only for you would I do such a thing~” Tooru coos. “But seriously, go talk to your family a bit. I’ll catch the train.”

“You’re sure?” Tobio-chan eyes him as if he’s going to jump off a bridge at the first opportunity and become a merman, which is ridiculous considering he couldn’t play volleyball with a tail.

Tooru gives him a nod, backing out of the yard. “Bye, Tobio-chan! Good luck!”

“Good luck!” Tobio calls back, then: “Oikawa-san, your shoes!”

“Damnit,” Tooru mutters, and doubles back.

_______

“Where were you,” Iwa-chan demands when Tooru shows up at his house, panting, shoes messily tied. “Why aren’t your laces double knotted.”

For a moment, the only thing Tooru’s giddy mind can conjure is ‘He knows how I tie my shoelaces’.

“Seven calls and no explanation?” the spiker demands, crossing his arms. “If this was some huge plot to break up with me, I really didn’t expect it.”

“Break -” Tooru stutters, finally able to unhinge his jaw. “Break up with you?”

“It seemed like one of those weird, round about ways of doing it that my cousin chatters to me about,” Iwa-chan mutters. “She’s almost as dramatic as you.”

“Iwa-chan,” Tooru gasps out at last. “Can you tell me why you thought we were dating? Also how long? And why we haven’t been making out to spite Makki, that bastard who always makes fun of me for being ‘too PDA’ with yoooooooh.”

“Like a year ago?” Iwa-chan tells him incredulously.

Tooru just stares. “Uh. When.”

“We won a hard match, and I told you ‘I want to play volleyball with you forever’, and you replied ‘mood’, so I said ‘... this was a moment and you killed it.”

“I remember tha-”

Iwa-chan pins him with a glare. “I’m not done.”

“Oh dear,” Tooru whispers, wilting.

“Then you said ‘I accept your heartfelt confession’, and I offered to buy you milk bread to celebrate this momentous occasion,” - here Iwa-chan pauses for dramatic effect, Tooru is so proud yet horrified - “and you said yes.”

“I thought we were being sarcastic!” Tooru wails.

“What did you think ‘happy one year’ meant?” Iwa-chan demands, wonderful arms still crossed.

Tooru opens his mouth. Closes it again. “In hindsight, that makes more sense than thinking we were celebrating the time I saw a UFO.”

“That’s it, we’re breaking up,” Iwa-chan informs him sadly, mouth twitching because he’s a terrible actor. He moves to close the door in Tooru’s face, but the setter’s too quick for him. “Oh my god, get your foot out of the door, you demon.”

“Not until we return to the previous point of us making out to spite Makki, because I really want him to suffer!”

“You’re the worst!” Iwa-chan yells, laughing.

Neighbors are staring, but Tooru really, really doesn’t care. “But you love me!”

“... maybe a little bit.”

“Could you let me in?” Tooru needles, ringing the doorbell. “We can watch that Godzilla movie you like. And maybe… you know… hold hands. Can you believe how naughty I am? Oh my god, you could totally put your arm around my shoulder! Or should we get married first?”

“I’d have to invite you to the wedding before you realized it was happening,” Iwa-chan grumbles, but he opens the door.

“I’m gonna have to facetime Tobio-chan in a few hours, though.” Tooru warns him. “I need updates.”

Iwa-chan eyes him. “Facetime Tobio?”

“Long, long, long story.”

_______

“And that’s why I’ve been acting strange,” Tobio finishes. “It’s been Oikawa the whole time.”

“... look, Kageyama,” Suga starts hesitantly, “I’m glad you and Oikawa are friends now, but this story isn’t really needed to convince us.”

“It’s true!” Tobio protests, raising his hands to the heavens like the volleyball gods of yore will come down and plead his case. “I learned meme culture from Hanamaki and Matsukawa!”

“Maybe he’s brain damaged,” Tsukishima stage whispers. 

Yamaguchi snickers behind his hand. “Maybe the aliens reversed the brain damage.”

“You guys really didn’t notice anything different?” Tobio says incredulously.

“Well,” Hinata says, “I mean. Other than you being a tremendous jerk? Oh, wait! That’s all the time!”

Tobio winces hard enough to dislocate his shoulder. Maybe if he actually did, he could avoid this conversation - oh, nope, Suga’s shepherding people to the other side of the gym. What a good senpai, and terrible person.

“You look very not dead, Kageyama.” Hinata remarks archly.

“... that was Oikawa.”

He scoffs. “Yeah, okay, I’m sure it was.”

Tobio smacks himself in the forehead, takes a deep breath, and says: “So… did you get my letter?”

“You’re a dick,” Hinata tells him, and whirls off.

“Wow,” Tanaka says, impressed. “That went so incredibly terribly.”

“Worse than Tanaka hitting on Kiyoko!” Nishinoya agrees. “Wouldn’t it be ridiculous if they ended up married?”

“I can’t even think about that without my brain exploding,” Tanaka sighs wistfully. In the corner of the equipment room, Kiyoko sneezes.

“Hinata!” Tobio calls after him, chasing the smaller boy out of the gym. “I’m serious!”

“Did Tsukishima somehow put you up to this?” Hinata snaps, stomping heavily, and spins to face him. “Haha, send stupid Hinata a letter full of - of lying lies!”

He’s struck by how expressive Hinata’s face is, all the time. Right now, it’s red and angry, hurt written over his countenance, tears welling up in his eyes.

Tobio shakes his head. “I was - I wasn’t lying. Do you think I’d write anything more than I have to?”

“... you do suck at Japanese,” Hinata admits.

“Ouch,” Tobio complains, then shakes it off. “Well, I meant everything I said in my ‘terribly written’ letter, okay?”

“... if you’re lying, I’ll beat you up,” Hinata threatens, though the effect is somewhat ruined by his teary eyes and the fact that he’s smiling so wide Tobio’s worried about his face cracking. “Yachi’ll beat you up, and you don’t want that.”

“I’d never cross Yachi,” Tobio promises, drawing slightly closer, and bites his lip. “Is that - a yes?”

Hinata rolls his eyes, edging closer in turn. “I suppose it’s a yes, Bakageyama.”

“Nuff - knife - nice.”

“Are you dating yet?” Yachi yells from the gym, ‘eeping’ when Daichi glowers. Hinata gives her a thumbs up. “Finally!”

“This is my worst nightmare,” Tsukishima says, deadpan.

Yamaguchi laughs sweetly. “Aw, Tsukki - I’m sure it won’t be that bad!”

Epilogue:

Two days later Tsukishima walks in on them making out in the changing room. He leaves a traumatized man. Yamaguchi pays to send him to therapy, but his therapist is Suga, who tells him to get over it.

Oikawa becomes best friends with literally everyone on Karasuno except for Tanaka, who dubs him “a floofy haired bastard like edamame from the great pretender” because he hit on Kiyoko that one time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me, tiredly staring at my computer screen: komment?


	6. (I do)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is mostly so that AO3 will let me show up on the recent works updated page bc/ I changed chapter five, but also because I felt meme-y

Tobio stands up dramatically, clinking his fork to his glass. “Seven years ago, I would never have imagined being the best man at Oikawa’s wedding.”

“Me neither,” Yahaba whispers. Kyoutani elbows him silent.

“The reason I’m here today,” Tobio continues, “must be aliens.”

Oikawa’s eyes gleam. “I am so proud.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah it’s done now lmao hope y’all enjoyed

**Author's Note:**

> comments get put in the tank, which turns the hamster wheel, which gets me to write


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